TMI Tuesday: Vanilla Shake

1a. You just gave yourself a body-shaking orgasm. How long do you have to wait before you can give yourself another body-shaking orgasm?

First off, ALL of my orgasms are body-shaking. Secondly, I am multiorgasmic which means I don’t have to wait at all unless I’m completely strung out and I only get that way when I squirt. Sadly, I have yet to master the art of doing that myself. Not that I haven’t tried! I am still in search of the perfect g-spot vibrator.

1b. You just gave yourself a body-shaking orgasm. What is the longest you can wait until you absolutely have to do it again?

Normally one is enough when I’m alone. So usually a couple of hours. Heh. Seriously, I’m a big fan of afternoon power naps since I wake up at the butt-crack of dawn to work (I’m a morning person) and I usually rub out a really good one just before I fall asleep.

2a. If you are good in this life, what will you come back as in your next life … if you come back as an animate being?

This question implies that I believe in reincarnation, which I don’t. Here’s TMI for a sex blog: I’m Christian and I do believe in eternal life. But, seeing as I am playing along, I’m going for a bit of a repeat from last week. A housecat. Because really? I would lick myself all day long.

2b. ….. if you come back as an inanimate being?

A lamp.

Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

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TMI Tuesday: Happy Anniversary!

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TMI Tuesday is brought to you by Vixen, Professor Fate, and Stealth. Today they celebrate the Fourth Anniversary of this delightful meme!

1. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), how satisfied are you with your life?
Financially (3), I’m struggling like hell now that HTB has gone and I’m on my own in this ridiculously expensive apartment and exorbitant utility bills! On the plus side, I’m happier with myself than I’ve been in my entire life (9) and my romantic life ain’t doing too bad, either (8 and growing).

1a. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), how satisfied are you with your sex life?

Oh, that’s easily been a 10 and will probably continue that way…I’ll let you know later today *lascivious grin*

2. What is the easiest way for you to reach orgasm?
Being with someone who knows what the fuck they’re doing!

3. What are 3 inevitable things about you?

  1. I will always be high femme no matter what I’m wearing or how short my hair is.
  2. I will always avoid housework until I have company coming over and am forced to acknowledge the lack of attention to the dust and grime.
  3. I will forever find something physical about myself that I hate and whine about it to anyone who cares to listen (and most don’t).


4. What is your favorite sexual position? (yes you have to narrow it to one)

How do I possibly narrow this down to one? Okay…I’m a big fan of being bent over furniture.

4a. What is you least favorite sexual position?

I’m having a hard time with the one where I am positioned so that my ass is on the very edge of the bed…for some reason the intense pounding of a 7 or 8″ cock causes real pain in my lower abdomen. Not that much fun, I gotta say.

5. Favorite body part/parts of the opposite (or same) sex?
Both sexes: arms, shoulders, particularly biceps. Rock hard, protective, and sex incarnate.

6. Would you rather have your significant other (this can be a hypothetical SO) have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.]
I suppose fall in love with someone else. Mainly because I know that’s impossible. Who could ever fall out of love with me? I mean, really. 😉

7. When you have a “toe-curling” orgasm, do your toes curl up, or down?

I’m too caught up in what everything else in my body is feeling to worry about my freakin’ toes.

8. Name three words that:
a) get you excited
Fuck your Daddy (and you KNOW what I mean, NOT what it sounds like!)
b) make you squirm
God, you’re sexy
c) make you laugh
Sorry, I farted.

Bonus (as in optional): What is you most embarrassing sexual moment?
In bed with two women (my trilationship) and one of our cats climbed up on the bed and literally squirted diahrea all over me. Lucky you, I have never told anyone else that story.

Eulogy for a Vibrator

She was my favorite, long and thin,

But excessive use did do her in.

Slender with a perfect curve,

She did her job with vim and verve.

At my side for many years,

I mourn her loss with unshed tears.

For I know that soon I’ll find a new one,

That will provide so much more fun.

Herein lies my favorite toy,

She served me well and brought me joy.

With wires torn, her motor died,

But that’s okay—she passed inside.

*With many thanks to Norwayfor suggesting that I blog a little something to honor of the death of my favorite vibrator—in addition to her humorous contributions (particularly the last line). Now, any suggestions for a good replacement? G-spot stimulator with a fuckload of power, please.*

Stealing the Honest Scrap Award

Okay, it isn’t actually stealing because (notice, FFG that I did NOT use the word “since”) my BFF Femme Fairy Godmother tagged me for this award for one of my *other* blogs (which I will not post a link to here since it will immediately give away not only my identity, but also that of everyone I’ve ever known, from my mom to my methadone junkie next door neighbors). This morning I read her highly amusing piece that was entirely ripped off from another highly amusing blogger, Martini Cartwheels. Seriously funny. So funny that I decided to carjack the original idea and do my own version. One that befits a sex blogger. Watch Reality TV much?

1. Survivor: My first instinct was to say that I could totally sleep my way to the top three but then I have no sense of balance so I’d end up losing out to the final two, hands down. Then I realized that I am so not 24 anymore (that’s an age reference, not a reference to another show because this is reality TV and I hear that show has a woman president now) and prancing around in a bikini in the shape that I’m in would make me the new Richard Hatch. Following that train of thought, it is true that going on Survivor is possibly the best diet trick in the world. Last tangential thought on trying to screw my way through to a million bucks? Aside from the woman named “Truck” (or some such thing) with the mullet and headband and possibly some of the old or fat guys who might get really desperate after 15 days or so…we’re talking about blonde femmes (ewwwww) and young studs ( “cougar” anyone?). I guess Survivor is out.

2. The Amazing Race: I am all about travel so this would be an ideal show regardless of the fact that you are zipping through foreign countries faster than you can say “lesbian fuckbuddies” and don’t even have time to linger in Amsterdam to do some window shopping (wink, wink). Also, given the fact that I would so definitely take Norway with me because she has traveled to like, everywhere, (she thinks Iceland rocks) we probably wouldn’t get out of the starting gate because we’d be fucking all night in our first hotel stop and we’d sleep through the alarm the next morning.

3. American Idol: Given that we’ve already established that I can’t wear a bikini, that tried-and-true method of making it to Hollywood is out of the question. I can’t stomach trying to seduce Simon or Randy, and Cara just scares me. That leaves us with Ellen (thank God because the thought of going down on Paula Abdul just makes me nauseous) who I think might just forget about her anorectic wife long enough to slip behind the backdrop with me for a quickie. But even with her vote, that’s one out of four and although I can hold a tune enough to be in my church choir (a real church, which is not like “she’s a member of *our* church,” which is also like *a friend of Dorothy*…see? Tangential.) I doubt that my version of “Old Time Religion” will win over the hearts of millions.

4. I’m only doing five of these, I promise. WipeOut: I fucking love this show. There is nothing better than watching people get seriously injured while humiliating themselves on national television. I can’t do anything remotely sexual to get further than the interview with yet another gorgeous femme. While I may ask her what shade of lipstick she’s wearing, I so cannot bring myself to do the “femme/femme” thing, especially not for a paltry $50,000. I am such an old school dyke. Really.

5. Big Brother: I am the queen of drama and totally adept at mind games and can really pull off being your best friend one minute while stabbing you in the neck with a fork the next (FFG, you have nothing to worry about, I love you darling!). While sexcapades abound on this show, the night vision camera is so terribly unflattering that I wouldn’t even audition.

Okay…5 fast fucks to make it an even 10:

6. America’s Next Top Model: Strapping it on for an aspiring supermodel is like sleeping with a bicycle. All bones and knees and elbows. Next!

7. The Apprentice: I wouldn’t blow the Donald even if he put me in his will to get half his empire. I *might* consider it if he granted me an all-day, all expenses paid shopping trip through the ever-so-chic shops in Trump Tower. Then again, *gag*

8. Project Runway: Has there been a leather fetish designer yet? If not, I’m so on the list. How hard can it be to spray latex on a mannequin and roll her down the runway, trussed up like Hannibal Lecter?

9. The Biggest Loser: I really only need to lose about 30 lbs. so I doubt I’d even be let on the show, but if I were, it would be fun to try and pull off the food scene from 9 1/2 weeks with granola bars and protein shakes.

10. Can they create a lesbian version of the Bachelor? FFG might do this show because she wants a girlfriend and she’s already slept with all the women within a 50 mile radius of her hometown (I kid, woman, I kid! Sort of.). I also said that as her best friend I would go down on her if all the lights were out and she could pretend I was super butch. Sadly, I think she’d still toss me immediately. I’m too short.