Stealing the Honest Scrap Award

Okay, it isn’t actually stealing because (notice, FFG that I did NOT use the word “since”) my BFF Femme Fairy Godmother tagged me for this award for one of my *other* blogs (which I will not post a link to here since it will immediately give away not only my identity, but also that of everyone I’ve ever known, from my mom to my methadone junkie next door neighbors). This morning I read her highly amusing piece that was entirely ripped off from another highly amusing blogger, Martini Cartwheels. Seriously funny. So funny that I decided to carjack the original idea and do my own version. One that befits a sex blogger. Watch Reality TV much?

1. Survivor: My first instinct was to say that I could totally sleep my way to the top three but then I have no sense of balance so I’d end up losing out to the final two, hands down. Then I realized that I am so not 24 anymore (that’s an age reference, not a reference to another show because this is reality TV and I hear that show has a woman president now) and prancing around in a bikini in the shape that I’m in would make me the new Richard Hatch. Following that train of thought, it is true that going on Survivor is possibly the best diet trick in the world. Last tangential thought on trying to screw my way through to a million bucks? Aside from the woman named “Truck” (or some such thing) with the mullet and headband and possibly some of the old or fat guys who might get really desperate after 15 days or so…we’re talking about blonde femmes (ewwwww) and young studs ( “cougar” anyone?). I guess Survivor is out.

2. The Amazing Race: I am all about travel so this would be an ideal show regardless of the fact that you are zipping through foreign countries faster than you can say “lesbian fuckbuddies” and don’t even have time to linger in Amsterdam to do some window shopping (wink, wink). Also, given the fact that I would so definitely take Norway with me because she has traveled to like, everywhere, (she thinks Iceland rocks) we probably wouldn’t get out of the starting gate because we’d be fucking all night in our first hotel stop and we’d sleep through the alarm the next morning.

3. American Idol: Given that we’ve already established that I can’t wear a bikini, that tried-and-true method of making it to Hollywood is out of the question. I can’t stomach trying to seduce Simon or Randy, and Cara just scares me. That leaves us with Ellen (thank God because the thought of going down on Paula Abdul just makes me nauseous) who I think might just forget about her anorectic wife long enough to slip behind the backdrop with me for a quickie. But even with her vote, that’s one out of four and although I can hold a tune enough to be in my church choir (a real church, which is not like “she’s a member of *our* church,” which is also like *a friend of Dorothy*…see? Tangential.) I doubt that my version of “Old Time Religion” will win over the hearts of millions.

4. I’m only doing five of these, I promise. WipeOut: I fucking love this show. There is nothing better than watching people get seriously injured while humiliating themselves on national television. I can’t do anything remotely sexual to get further than the interview with yet another gorgeous femme. While I may ask her what shade of lipstick she’s wearing, I so cannot bring myself to do the “femme/femme” thing, especially not for a paltry $50,000. I am such an old school dyke. Really.

5. Big Brother: I am the queen of drama and totally adept at mind games and can really pull off being your best friend one minute while stabbing you in the neck with a fork the next (FFG, you have nothing to worry about, I love you darling!). While sexcapades abound on this show, the night vision camera is so terribly unflattering that I wouldn’t even audition.

Okay…5 fast fucks to make it an even 10:

6. America’s Next Top Model: Strapping it on for an aspiring supermodel is like sleeping with a bicycle. All bones and knees and elbows. Next!

7. The Apprentice: I wouldn’t blow the Donald even if he put me in his will to get half his empire. I *might* consider it if he granted me an all-day, all expenses paid shopping trip through the ever-so-chic shops in Trump Tower. Then again, *gag*

8. Project Runway: Has there been a leather fetish designer yet? If not, I’m so on the list. How hard can it be to spray latex on a mannequin and roll her down the runway, trussed up like Hannibal Lecter?

9. The Biggest Loser: I really only need to lose about 30 lbs. so I doubt I’d even be let on the show, but if I were, it would be fun to try and pull off the food scene from 9 1/2 weeks with granola bars and protein shakes.

10. Can they create a lesbian version of the Bachelor? FFG might do this show because she wants a girlfriend and she’s already slept with all the women within a 50 mile radius of her hometown (I kid, woman, I kid! Sort of.). I also said that as her best friend I would go down on her if all the lights were out and she could pretend I was super butch. Sadly, I think she’d still toss me immediately. I’m too short.

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3 Comments

  1. scinti-fucking-lectual! You are scandalous, girl! Which I love. 😉 I have not slept with all the women in a 50 mile radius of my house! Geesh. It’s at least 75 miles. C’mon now. 😉 Oh, if only that were true.

  2. PS I *so* want to go to Iceland! I have saved in my favorites ‘How to emigrate to Iceland.” I was thinking Costa Rica, because I already speak a little Spanish, but Iceland has a lesbian Prime Minister. Let’s move to Iceland!

  3. Ok, so after I do the Amazing Race with Femme Fairy Godmother, I need to do come back and do another round with you. Too funny! Thank you so much for the shout out and for the visit!


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